


The Reason for Everything

by Killer_Rabbit_of_Caerbannog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-25
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 12:19:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killer_Rabbit_of_Caerbannog/pseuds/Killer_Rabbit_of_Caerbannog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since meeting his human charges, Castiel had started thinking beyond his orders. Since coming to Earth, Castiel had to make choices on what paths he would take. Since befriending Dean Winchester, Castiel had no doubts on what he fought for... and why he Fell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reason for Everything

In the beginning, when he stared right through bright green eyes into the soul that he had saved from the Pit and saw all that guilt, that self-loathing and that grief, he knew but he didn't _understand_. In the beginning it didn't matter. It didn't matter to him what Dean Winchester felt, and it didn't matter that he didn't understand _why_ Dean believed what he did.

Heaven commanded it; so Castiel obeyed.

When he was ordered to do whatever Dean told him to do concerning Samhain, Castiel obeyed. Obeyed Heaven and obey Dean. He has no choice no matter what _Dean_ believes, because it doesn't matter what _he_ knows is right or wrong when he's just a "hammer" - free will was granted to humans, not angels - and Castiel says he's not a "hammer" like he has a choice, like he doesn't want to be labelled as something lesser in the emerald eyes of his charge. And still he did not understand. Not his orders, not his true mission, and certainly not humans.

Doubts grew and crept into every crevice of his being, and he was lost without his Father, without his _Reason_ to guide him and give him purpose. But Dean didn't waver in his path even after losing his father, was still cocksure and stubbornly righteous even in the face of death. Especially in the face of death. Dean stood by his choices, knew so easily what decision to make.

Castiel wanted that too.

Heaven did not.

Of all the angels they could have sent, his superiors had him go after Anna. A lesson, he assumed, meant to remind him of his place; and what happens to an angel who chooses to think for themself, to _feel_ truely and deeply as a human would.

It should scare him off.

It does, for a while.

Then members of his garrison start dying and the orders are the very last ones Castiel wants but still he has no choice. And Dean, who always stays steady on his path, his decisions, trembles in front of him and Castiel has never wanted anything less. When Anna whispers words of treason in his ear, he doesn'y pull away at first, because there's still hope in his heart that things don't have to be this way, that he doesn't have to do this to the first human he's ever truely liked as an individual.

He considers disobedience. And he is frightened at the prospect, but his fallen sister smiles at him and says fear is just the beginning of so many emotions, those wonderful, dreadful things. He's wanted to be able to choose but now that he can, he wants to mindlessly obey again, but when he sits beside Dean, lying broken both physically and spiritually, Castiel knows he can't obey again, not again, because the result of his orders is hospitalized and crying.

He cannot disobey, so he doesn't. The fact that he may have disclosed information that helped Dean Winchester in stopping a divine prophecy was not disobeying nor was it interfering, not really. And the look of gratitude he gets and the sincere "Thanks, Cas" is proof that his decision is worth it.

He remembers that moment, that smile he received just because he helped, when they dragged him back to Heaven and 'remind' him where his alliegances lie. He thinks of the pain, the fear and guilt in Dean's face and heart and _soul_ as he is tortured, as he is freed, as he returns to earth as a little girl, then a man in a trenchcoat. He turns his back on Dean because he has to. Because he has no choice. And because he still has that moment and that "Thanks, Cas".

They wait for the Apocalypse in a room with no doors and Castiel is afraid because Dean is there trapped, his choices stripped from him. And when he turns to 'Cas' for help and is denied, Castiel can't remember the moment anymore, can't recall what Dean sounded like when he said "Thanks", can't picture the gratitude in moss-green eyes.

So Castiel allows himself to be afraid, because that is part of his choice and because that's what Dean would do, carry on despite his fear and _fight_.

Castiel is going to die, but that's doesn't matter because now he doesn't just know, he _understands_ \- maybe not like a human would, but enough that as his vision is filled with light and his vessel's ears pop at the ringing approach of an archangel, he is happy.

He had a choice.

He chose to die as 'Cas'.  



End file.
